Open Bar

I was at a wedding this weekend. I kind of figured I wouldn't be sober at a wedding, I gave myself the opening to make this my last stand before I fully embrace some serious sobriety. It turned out like it always does: I was naked and drunk, and so was he. It doesn't even matter who "he" is. And this way of life felt as empty as the beer cans next to the bed.

One of the biggest reasons I have been reluctant to quit drinking is the cataclysmic shift that would have to occur in the rest of my life. The other things that I would have to give up along with the bottle: most of my friends, anything I know about how to socialize, my ability to talk to other people, a large chunk of my self-identity...the list goes on and on. But when I sat at that AA meeting, it occured to me that by saying "no" to those things, I would end up saying "yes" to other things: new friends, activities that don't involve drinking, a deeper confidence in myself, and a self-identity that might actually match up with my ideal. Or at least get closer to it.

But, somehow, I couldn't transpose this fabulous new mindset onto a weekend of celebrating someone else's matrimonial bliss. Honestly, I didn't even really try. I don't feel like I've failed, I'm glad I did it, and I'm glad I didn't get anything out of it. I'm glad I felt like shit the next day, depressed and anxious. And I'm very glad that two nights after the wedding, while I sat with a friend and drank a couple of beers, I was introduced to two more sober people. I guess my freespirited buddy is dating a drug dealer in recovery. He showed up with his friend, both in NA, and I felt again like the universe is showering me with surprisingly sober men. First, Chris, the bartender who hasn't had a drop in 18 months. And now two scruffy boys who say things like, "I hope I get into college. I'm going to pray on it. And if it doesn't work out, I'm moving to Maine to grow pot."

I'm re-energized in my quest for the stability that comes with giving up the bottle. Sadly, I feel the deep motivation rushing out of my system, this journey has taken a steep uphill turn, and I'm struggling. I hope I'm up for the challenge.