A Week In

Well, it's been a week...no, more than a week. Nine days, and some amount of hours and minutes that I'm too addled to figure out. And what an interesting time it has been.

Last Wednesday, I went out to meet a friend. We were going back to her apartment to watch a movie, a nice, low-key evening. But she was out for drinks first, so I met her and her friend at the bar and drank water. And so began my first experience with forced abstinence. I am pretty sure I freaked out my friend. "Wait, have we ever hung out sober?" she said. This was particularly striking because I thought we often hung out sober. But what do I know, I'm a drunk. Once we got back to her place, we put in a movie, and about a half hour into it, she looked at me and said, "I think I need a cocktail." "Oh my god, I sooooo don't mean to make you feel like you can't drink! Seriously, it's not even like I want one. Go have a cocktail. Seriously." And so she left and came back into the room with a glass full of ice and whiskey (which really does not count as a cocktail). We finished the movie. Then, she launched into discussing her problems with her boyfriend.

I am often the friend that will listen to these problems with rapt attention. I talk about sex more freely than many, I never judge anyone's sexual practices, fetishes, kinks or desires, and I find it endlessly interesting that we like to pretend in this country that our marriages and long term relationships are shellacked in love and therefore impermeable to the temptations of sex with others. We shove our affairs under the rug and tread around shamefully, feeling we're not normal and we're horrible and now we've got this big secret, but the fact is, most of us at least WANT to screw someone else once in a while, right? I guess all I'm saying is that there seems to be a major lack of honesty in our country's sexual conversation, and I'm out to set the record straight. So you can see why my friends feel comfortable using me as a sounding board or a confessional when it comes to this sort of thing.

But that night? I couldn't focus on a word she was saying. Something about having hooked up with a musician while her boyfriend's away. Something about wanting to spice things up with her boyfriend. I mean, this girl's got some kink fantasies, and I'm proud that she can name them and talk about them, but it was all I could do to stay inside of my own skin and sit there and try to form some kind of advice. I could barely fit her concerns inside my mental rubric of understanding, much less craft any logical responses. Of course, the conversation also turned to my sobriety experiment, which apparently offended her. "Why not just drink LESS?" So I get on the defensive, but also realized that my own actions have put her on the defensive and that was what I was hearing from her. This tested my patience. Eventually, I left.

The boys at the bar literally laughed in my face: "You? Not drinking? I give ya till next week." "Ha ha ha, what, are ya gonna join AA? I'd pay to see that!" "So, we've all been trying to figure out what brought this on..." "Aw, you're no fun anymore!" And so on (and you've gotta imagine this in their Irish accents). But you know what that does? It makes me more dedicated. It makes me want to go in tonight and say, "Nope, still haven't had a drink." I want to SHOW them.

On the other hand, I have gotten the chance to develop relationships that don't require alcohol. Friends who have been on the outskirts of my normal social scene have come closer, because they don't depend on booze, because these friendships are fresh and untainted, and because they are spiritually and energetically in tune. I have become more aware of the way that the world provides. I was to have a date on Monday night, a date that would have been wrought (perhaps I should write about this in the other section on dating), and I doubted I could get through it without at least a glass of wine. There I was, texting back and forth with this guy to figure out time and place, and suddenly he just disappeared. No more texts. No more calls. Fine, I was slightly pissed (there goes my free dinner), but overwhelmingly relieved. A few days later he tells me some bullshit yadda yadda story about stepping on his phone, but I really don't care. I was delivered away from that booze trap. Last night? Free ticket to a random concert. I saw the beer tents and wanted one so badly...I wondered if I would make it through the night without a drink. And then the concert was cancelled, two hours after the band was supposed to come on. Electrial difficulties. When the hell does that happen? But there went another evening that could have ended up in beer soaked adventure. Fun. Mischief. Misery.

The last thing I'm noticing is that it feels like my life is incredible right now. It feels like a million things are happening. But if you look from the outside, nothing is happening. Nothing at all. I'm broke, I work a job that isn't a real job, I'm living in a city I hate but feel stuck here, and this morning, I got a parking ticket, again. Everything that is happening is inside my head, my heart, my gut. Those lower chakras are groaning, but I don't know enough about energy work to do much about it. Someone asks, "How are you?" and I have to say, "Oh, fine!" and "What's going on with you?" "Oh, not much!" but that is a lie. If you really want to sit and listen to the things that are happening with me, you gotta get ready for a serious therapy session, where I'm the one on the couch. I don't want to share my secrets with anyone who asks, "How are you?" but I feel a liar when I answer with "I'm fine!" Since I just graduated with a Masters degree in counseling psychology, I happen to have a lot of friends who are ready to do just that type of therapy session. And I am grateful for that. The boys at the bar, however, are going to have to shut the fuck up and let me be, because they are clearly not the ones who get to know my reasons.